The Backpacker’s Questionnaire

This questionnaire was written by GMC member Mary Lou “Snowberry” Recor and previously appeared in the Spring 2017 Long Trail News.

When the Long Trail oozes mud and black flies hatch, while other people plant Swiss chard or dream of opening day at Fenway, my thoughts turn to thru-hiking. To the sound of mice scurrying around the shelter. To the smell of a privy at dawn. To the feel of cold rain wicking down my socks. To the other-worldly flavor of dehydrated meals. To persistent body odor. To solitary miles and my need for human companionship. Which brings me to Stan.

I met Stan in the summer of 2015. After forty-five minutes of conversation and a winter of emails, we agreed to hike the Colorado Trail together. The following June we left Waterton Canyon, outside Denver, en route to Durango, a plod of nearly five hundred miles.

The first few days went well enough, but by the time we reached Breckenridge after a week together, we were avoiding eye contact. Our differences were seemingly small: South America versus Western Europe. Meatloaf versus Chinese takeout. Mind altering drugs versus chocolate. The word “gal.”

What really rankled me though was his pedestrian preference in cheese, specifically the rubbery, bland, artificially-dyed-orange kind. He assured me that “all cheese tastes the same.” I live in Vermont. Need I say more? We parted “as friends,” but if you ask me, friends don’t let friends eat orange cheese.

Based on that experience and thousands of other trail miles, I have devised the following questionnaire for prospective hiking companions. I want to know with whom I am embarking into the wild, whether cretin or my new best friend forever. Please feel free to use all or any part of it, and to change or add questions that more accurately reflect your preferences.

1. When sleeping outdoors, I
   1. snore like a Harley.
   2. have night frights and wake up screaming.
   3. crinkle plastic bags at 4:00 a.m.
   4. have never seen 4:00 a.m.

2. While hiking, my conversational style can best be described as follows:
   1. I mumble a lot because I like it when people say “what?”
   2. I mostly talk about myself and my salacious exploits.
   3. I use big words like salacious.
   4. I don’t talk and you should be glad of it.

3. My ideal long distance hiking partner would
   1. pack out his/her gently used toilet paper in keeping with “Leave no Trace” principles.
   2. spend star-filled evenings serenading me on his/her ukulele.
   3. carry a portable espresso machine with beans and a grinder and know how to use them.
   4. all of the above.

4. When packing food for a long hike, I am most concerned with
   1. what wine pairs best with Ramen noodles.
   2. how to dehydrate organic baby kale.
   3. the weight to calorie ratio of Nutella.
   4. finding Dinty Moore Beef Stew in pop-top cans.

5. My favorite trail snack is
   1. Oreos dipped in peanut butter.
   2. vegan cupcakes.
   3. whatever I can bum off day hikers.
   4. ibuprofen.

6. If a bear wandered into camp, I would likely
   1. run like hell.
   2. wet my pants.
   3. cower behind you.
   4. any or all of the above.

7. In the backcountry, I am most afraid of
   1. bears and mountain lions.
   2. Lyme disease and hypothermia.
   3. thunder and lightning.
   4. other hikers.

8. My favorite piece of backpacking gear is
   1. my $300 ultralight tent.
   2. my $400 ultralight tent.
   3. my $500 ultralight tent.
   4. whatever I can score off eBay.

9. On a long-distance hike, I usually average
   1. 10-15 miles per day.
   2. 15-20 miles per day.
   3. 20-25 or more miles per day.
   4. I’m beginning to dread long distance hiking.

10. For water purification, I use
    1. a high-tech system too complicated to actually work.
    2. a 25-year-old pump filter that clogs when I most need it.
    3. a Sierra cup, bandanna and drinking straw.
    4. none of the above. I drink only craft beer.

11. When hitchhiking into town for re-supply, I
    1. smile and someone stops to pick me up.
    2. usually have to beg for a ride, sometimes offer money.
    3. call AAA and pretend my car broke down.
    4. Hitchhike? I don’t think so.

12. Of the following I prefer
    1. Cabot three-year-old cheddar.
    2. Cheez Whiz.
    3. I don’t eat dairy.
    4. eggs or gluten or meat or peanuts or shellfish or Nutella.

13. I want to do this thru-hike because
    1. I saw the movie.
    2. I just embezzled $2.3 million.
    3. I have a girlfriend in Argentina.
    4. I can think of no better way to spend my time.