A Questionnaire for the Bear

This questionnaire was written by GMC member Mary Lou Recor.

Dear Valued Bear,

Because we are concerned about negative encounters between wildlife and humans in the backcountry and because we value your opinion, we have formulated the following questionnaire to help us in our decision making. It should take you only about three minutes to complete and participation is voluntary. We thank you for taking the time to help us improve the quality of wildlife/human interactions.

1. Which of the following noises do you find most obnoxious and therefore, most likely to drive you away?
   1. pot banging
   2. bagpipes
   3. “Who Let the Dogs Out” by the Baha Men
   4. Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant

2. What is your favorite food?
   1. honey
   2. roots and berries
   3. garbage
   4. Shih Tzu puppies

3. What is guaranteed to give you indigestion?
   1. bells and whistles
   2. cellophane wrappers
   3. toothpaste tubes
   4. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke

4. From a backpacker’s perspective, what is the biggest mistake s/he can make?
   1. sleep with food under his/her pillow
   2. store his/her food on the roof of the privy
   3. abandon his/her backpack
   4. feed me

5. From your perspective, what is the smartest thing a backpacker can do?
   1. sleep with food under his/her pillow
   2. store his/her food on the roof of the privy
   3. abandon his/her backpack
   4. feed me

6. If you were a backpacker, how would you store your food to keep it safe from wildlife?
   1. stow it in a metal wildlife-proof box that has an odd, stale-hiker smell.
   2. hang it in such a complicated manner that even s/he can’t figure out how to get it down.
   3. seal it in a heavy plastic canister that requires a twelve-year-old to open.
   4. leave it out where we can easily find and eat it.

7. What goes through your mind when you see a hiker passing on the trail?
   1. Not another one.
   2. What is the cost/benefit ratio of giving chase?
   3. Is it lunchtime already?
   4. Why am I eating insects when I smell peanut butter?

8. What is the best thing about being a bear?
   1. I get to eat all the time.
   2. I get plenty of sleep.
   3. My offspring don’t play video games.
   4. I can outrun you.

9. What do you most admire about humans?
   1. bacon
   2. AYCE Chinese buffets
   3. Thanksgiving
   4. barbeque

10. What final advice do you have for backcountry campers?

10. 1. Don’t hang your food bag too high. I don’t want to strain myself.
    2. Never wear pajama pants and slippers outside the house. Ever. For obvious reasons.
    3. Don’t bother to run because I can catch you if I want to.
    4. I don’t really like you, so keep your distance, Bucko.

For statistical purposes only:

How would you best describe your ethnicity?

10. 1. black bear
    2. brown bear
    3. cinnamon bear
    4. grizzly bear
    5. polar bear
    6. teddy bear
    7. pooh bear

What is your gender?

10. 1. male
    2. female
    3. nobody can tell since they just keep running away from me

 

PS – This quiz is a joke!  If you’re not sure of correct human behavior around bears, please check out our previous blogs: Be Bear Aware and Protecting Your Food From Bears.